Archives for posts with tag: Loss

Yesterday, my manager was at my work building rather than in San Francisco. In our staff meeting, he mentioned where he was, and I asked, “was it for the ice cream?” To which, he laughed. We had an employee appreciation ice cream social at my building, you see.

During the recognition portion of the meeting, he announced that he was getting up to walk a few steps to hand me a milestone award. One of the reason why he was on-site. How cool, right?

If you have been following for awhile, you know that I love food–to talk about it, to create it, to play with it, etc. So… I got a little distracted by the free ice cream yesterday, and forgot about my award! HaHa!

I think that the fountain at work is serving as a water hole for some of God’s creatures! These geese stopped by (I am unsure which, but one of them is known to preen in front of the reflective walls of the building), and I managed to take an image of how the crow drinks from the fountain. How clever!


Tonight, I went to a family friend’s viewing and prayer. I can’t fathom what it is like to lose a parent. I can understand a little of the pain, having lost three grandparents within 4 years, but not that kind of a loss, and hopefully, not for a long time.

I listened to Uncle N‘s four boys talk about their “Papa”, their memories with him, what they’ve learned from him, and what they hope to be… Their words (and those of others who also spoke) were touching. Uncle N was a good man.

My memories of Uncle N are those of a tall, kind of beefy, man with a booming voice and a big personality. He also had a wonderful smile. That’s how I would like to remember him.

I took some time off to go to his funeral tomorrow, and bid him farewell, for now. I am sure he is watching from heaven, watching over his beautiful wife and the grown boys he is very proud of, and sending his love to them.

HeavenIsIn October of 2013, I was in a book store and I purchased the book, Heaven Is For Real, for Auntie J. I remember her mentioning earlier that she heard about a story of a small boy who had died medically and after being brought back to life had stories of his brief stay in heaven.  I still have not read the book, but it touched not only Auntie J, but my Grand-Aunt Jeannie, who passed away earlier in the week.

Grand-Aunt Jeannie was always religious, and after being diagnosed with uterine cancer, she started to change.  She was finding peace about her past, her family, her life, and her sickness.

The thing was… Grand-Aunt Jeannie told everyone they were able to get all the cancer cells out.  What she didn’t say was what was really happening, and with her decision to not have chemotherapy, the cancer had spread to her entire body. Her extended family did not know…  We did not know…

Auntie J and I spoke earlier about Grand-Aunt Jeannie.  She told me about how she lent Heaven Is For Real to Grand-Aunt Jeannie, and how they would converse about the story a lot, about Jesus, and about heaven.

Auntie J told me that Grand-Aunt Jeannie had visited her a few weeks ago to return the book, even though Grand-Aunt Jeannie just stayed in the car.

There is a lot of surprising and shocking information we are just finding out. We didn’t know how sick she was.  Auntie J and my mom were the last to see her alive, and she had died alone.  I feel so very sad about this.  I didn’t even know she had passed away until I received the funeral information yesterday, and even then, I was shocked.

Grand-Aunt Jeannie struggled over the years because of a lot of anger and resentment, but Auntie J told me that Grand-Aunt Jeannie told her she was able to let go of them, and somehow the book helped.  As one of her last gifts to Auntie J, two weeks ago, Grand-Aunt Jeannie sent her a book on CD called The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven.

I am grateful that Grand-Aunt Jeannie found peace. I am grateful she is no longer suffering.  I am saddened she chose to not have Chemo, but that was her choice. I just wished we were there with her and she hadn’t been alone.

20140119-142440.jpgMy Saturday started with a very brisk, early morning walk. I had started late, and a friend was going to pick me up at 10:00 a.m., so somehow I was surprised to finish my 5-mile walk in about an hour and 20 minutes.

Surprisingly enough, there were a lot of people out playing already around that time…. even the robin pictured above, atop a dried cat tail, was up early.

I only had enough time to get home, shower, and pack a few items for the day when my friend picked me up.  Then off to meet another friend in another city to go to yet another friend’s house in another city.

As we were moving items from one car to another, in my haste, I hit the front top of my head on the car door frame.  I think it gave me brain fart the rest of the day, and made me want to just close my eyes and rest my head.

What did happen that made a profound effect was an e-mail I received from my mom on some funeral information.  I was shocked enough to want to sit down.  I saw the name on it, but perhaps also because of the head bash a few hours earlier, I had to keep rereading it.  My maternal grandmother’s baby sister (the last of her living siblings) had passed away.  In a text with my cousin, she told me she found out about it earlier in the week via Facebook.  I had not logged into my personal FB account for a couple of weeks…

I was with my friends who were creating their vision boards for 2014. I had already completed mine, so I was there to work on something else and just to hang out.

I was deeply grateful for their support and their company.  Between the literal head bash and the e-mail about my grand-aunt, I was a little shocked. I think I went through Saturday in a bit of a daze.

(For 1/18/14)

A few days ago, I felt a weird numbing sensation on my left foot and the side of my leg.  It was one of the reasons why I wrote “Patience’s Virtues,” to help remind myself that healing… takes… time.

Around the same time, I had actually also registered for both a 10K run (for later this month) and a 15K (to help train for a bucket list item), so I am not sure how I can train for the 10K with this new development at the moment.

I can still walk, but today, I also now have a full blown cold, so I had to send my great friend, G, a text letting her know I couldn’t work out this morning.  I really wanted to be there for her today, because she lost her brother yesterday.  At the same time, I didn’t want her to get sick too.  Luckily, her friends and I were with her last night to support her with her loss during her dragonboat team’s End of Season Party.

As I sit in bed, watching Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, I thought I would share some things I saw yesterday.

20131103-102828.jpgI was looking up in the sky, coming home from Acupunture/Accupressure, and I saw this cloud formation. It looked like a hand to me.

20131103-102819.jpgThese two pictures were interesting.  I was just hanging out in the back seat and happened to look out of the window, and was taken aback by the rainbow peeking through the clouds.  It was still sunny out during the late afternoon and it hadn’t rain.  It was exciting to see the rainbow, so I started to take these shots.

20131103-102202.jpgNow, these shoes!  Yesterday, I asked my Acupuncturist if I could wear high heels to the party, with a numb foot.  She told me, “no,” showed me her wedge shoes, and asked me if I had wedge shoes I could wear.  It would be much more supportive. So, I busted these out from its box–I felt these shoes were too Rockstar for my semi-formal dress, and broke them in last night. I am glad they had great support, but the open toes and my short dress were probably why I now have a full blown cold. Haha!

I am looking forward to eating chicken soup and a lot of cutie mandarins to fight my cold. Happy Sunday, everyone!

I am grateful for giving myself the chance to finally mourn a loss. I have been doing my best to live life as positively as I could, but I don’t think living positively means that I should ignore something that pained me.

After a few days of trying to ignore and push this loss aside, I finally let myself go and cry.

I surrender and release this pain.

Tomorrow is a new day. When I wake up in the morning, I am going to pick myself back up.

In this year alone, there were many pregnancies in my extended family. There were a total of seven. I often joked that there must have been something in the water.

There were some relatively easy births. There was even one pregnancy that was lost. That pregnancy was particularly heart wrenching, as the baby fetus, a little boy, was nearly full term, and this was my cousin-in-law and her husband’s second attempt to have a child. Their first attempt sadly ended in a miscarriage, a little over a year ago.

Last night, I held one of the newest additions to the family. Baby C is two-and-a-half months old. He came out with a full shock of hair and tiny body fur. He must have been a little cold in the womb, while he was growing up. 🙂

Baby C was very much hoped for, and with the help of both Western and Eastern medicine, he was able to be conceived and born.

I think, when he hears about the many years his parents tried and all the different approaches they used, Baby C will come to appreciate his life.

This is how I woke up today… thinking about the babies that were born and lost. It made me think about my new lease in life.

So… this precious Life

How are you going to enjoy it?

How are you going to live it?

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